Put a (glass) cork in it

glass corkShit happens when you're a mama to small children. Like, literally. Every day. There is shit. Often on my hands, sometimes on my clothes, frequently on the floor/furniture/carpet/carseat/stairs... pretty much everywhere except in the toilet or in a diaper.

After I had my daughter I essentially handed over all responsibility to my partner Mark to deal with the shit. I had just pushed all eight pounds of baby out of my lady garden and was now responsible for literally keeping her alive by nursing her 23 hours a day (according to the labour grievances re: unpaid overtime filed by my nipples). So the least he could do was deal with the 83 diapers each day. And he did, mostly without complaint too.

So I was caught somewhat unawares when we ventured out to my cousin's wedding. It started out great - my dress coordinated with her sweet pink fru-fru dress and she was silently watching the events of the day unfold while we were feeling like some exhausted but mostly put together parents.  

It was an outdoor wedding. The sun was shining, we were sitting on a bench waiting for the ceremony to begin when I heard 'the gurgle'. I glanced at the time and said to Mark, "if you change her really fast we can get it done before the wedding starts." I held her up to hand her over and that's when it happened. The poopsplosion. Liquid hot lava erupted in a volume impossible for a baby so tiny and pooled into a poop-puddle (poople? poodle?) in my lap. I think I blacked out at this point. I may have thrown the baby in the air, hoping someone would catch her. Next thing I know Mark is dousing the hot shit flames on my dress by dumping a full bottle of water onto my lap. Which I guess was a blessing in disguise because in addition to the haggard new mom look the style and stench I was really going for was "drowned sewer rat."

Forever more I will associate weddings with that glorious, loving moment.

Mama's Recommended Wine Pairing:

Occasion: post-partum memorable nuptial poopsplosion

Wine Pairing: this mama would recommend a dry rosé such as this 2016 Miraflors Rosé. The lovely pale pink colour will coordinate with any wedding decor and it isn't sickly sweet like some rosés, after all you wouldn't want to add any sweetness to that stinky bottom business. Bonus: this bottle has a cool glass stopper giving you a Cinderella moment, even if you haven't seen your fairy godmother in an awful long time.


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