I came across a couple posts this week written by the Founder/CEO of XPR, a company that I now know offers real-life, high-octane experiences. You know, things like rifle and handgun shooting, driving a humvee, and foraging for mushrooms (aside: mushrooms are like a game of nature's Russian Roulette...is it a delicacy? a mind bending trip to crazy town? or will it result in a toe tag? Who knows, but forks up!)
I love the idea of curating unique life experiences. I've gifted my partner a racing session in a Lamborghini, an hour driving an excavator and in a couple weeks I am bringing him to a wine and cheese pairing evening (which may or may not be a gift for me but he need not know that).
So in the spirit of experiential...um...experiences, I would like to offer up to XPR, or other companies of this nature: The Ultimate Parenting Experience. This package will provide a first-hand taste of parenting two tiny humans over a 24-hour period.
Participants can expect to learn:
- advanced-level bribery tactics
- the art of wrestling tiny angry beings into such medieval torture devices as snowsuits or carseats
- the lyrics to one song as a result of singing it repeatedly for hours
- to shake off the sense of personal space and dignity by using the toilet while answering 26 questions from a preschooler at the same time
- how to hustle when the kids are hungry...they won't call you "snack bitch" for nothing
- much, much more!
Included in the package:
- 24 hours of good old fashioned family fun with a 3 year old and a 7 month old
- breakfast, lunch and dinner (note: all meals will be served cold, and are expected to be inhaled within 2.5 minutes while standing over a sink)
- use of a vehicle (disclaimer: the vehicle in question comes replete with all the Cheerios you could ever want or need...you will find them stuck in your hair/to your bum later in the day)
- a crash course in child safety. Don't worry, you won't need any of it. Because when the kid gets hurt, and one of them will, it will be from some inane incident you couldn't possibly train for.
- the opportunity to put the kids down for bedtime. Sounds sweet, doesn't it? We won't spoil all the fun, but suffice to say it will be a wild ride.
To get the most out of this package we recommend participants set an alarm for a minimum of 16 random times of night to ensure an adequate amount of sleep deprivation and refrain from showering or changing clothes (flipping shirts inside out is acceptable) for three or four days before showing up.
If you're interested in this package (which can be customized, by the way...want to take the kids grocery shopping for an extra thrill? Go for it!) feel free to reach out anytime!
Mama's recommended wine pairing:
Occasion: when you're taking over someone else's crazy kids for a day and you find yourself in deeper water (you better hope that's just water) than you expected.
Wine pairing: a box. Any old boxed wine will do. The key here, people, is quantity. Bigger is better in this sitch. Trust me.